What bell hooks taught me about my relationship with my phone
Guest newsletter by Emma Deadman
Last month I spent most of a gloomy weekend in bed doomscrolling. I was stuck in an endless loop of refreshing the same apps, numbing my brain with endless content, scrolling, scrolling, and scrolling. I felt like I’d lost my personality. I needed to stop.
To come back to myself, I started reading All About Love by bell hooks. Although published in 1999, I found hooks’ reflections on love as a practice incredibly relevant to exploring my relationship with my phone.
In the book, hooks rejects the notion of love as a mysterious force and encourages readers to understand love as a practice. ‘The word “love” is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb.’ hooks encourages readers to learn to live with a love ethic, actively choosing to centre love in our lives. Love should be a practice we bring into every part of our lives, from romantic relationships and friendships to work and creative practice.
Crucially, to live with a love ethic, we must be attentive. hooks writes, ‘we can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness. Being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, and indicate a willingness to learn.’ If awareness is key, then phone addiction is an active barrier to loving.
In small ways I’d already witnessed this in my own life. I’ve felt frustration at a friend constantly checking their phone when we are trying to catch up, and I’ve neglected self-care for fifteen more minutes of scrolling. These moments can seem trivial, but hooks made me consider their larger implications on how we form and maintain connections.
hooks writes, ‘there is no better place to learn the art of loving than in community.’ Social media platforms create a facade of community. They are full of the language of friendship, making it feel as if liking somebody’s story is an act of intimacy. But hooks emphasises that love is built through giving and receiving. Online, we are mostly consumers, rather than active participants in reciprocal relationships. This is not to say that social media is entirely negative, but it is important to realise it cannot be the only way we engage with our communities.
It is easy to feel completely hopeless at the moment. I am not suggesting that turning off our phones will fix everything. But it can be a step toward reclaiming our attention and bringing the love we all want to feel back into the world.
Since reading All About Love, I have tried to be more mindful about using my phone. As an intentional act of self-love, I’ve tried not to use it in the first few hours of the morning. Instead, I give myself time to read or practise yoga. This requires more effort than scrolling, but I know it will lead to a better day. I am weaving more love into my life with this small change.
I know I’m going to doomscroll again. I know I love a little bit of brainrot. But I also know I cannot let my phone stop me from living with love.
Emma Deadman is a Logging Off Club Cambridge facilitator. She graduated last summer and is hoping to start a Masters in 2026.